Original Intro:

Music fans across the world have been learning to play the guitar since ancient times. Each generation of guitar players has been different than the last becoming more and more unique each time. Today it seems as if things are changing a lot more. Some may say that guitarists are headed in the wrong direction with the new video game Guitar Hero. Playing a video game based on a guitar definitely will draw attention to younger generations, but maybe not necessarily in the right way. The interest of learning the real guitar will decrease with the popularity of these new games. The difference of being able to play a Guitar Hero game compared to a real guitar is like black versus white. The controller for the game has five buttons where a real guitar has six strings ranging from twenty two to twenty four frets. Also kids are getting into rock music for all the wrong reasons. They shouldn’t have to resort to a video game to find out music.

Revised:

Music fans across the world have been learning to play the guitar since ancient times with the only influences being other guitarists, or just what they have in their heads. Each generation of guitar players has been different than the last becoming more and more unique each time. Today, stars such as Jimmy Page (Led Zeppelin) say that the image of being a guitarist is headed in the wrong direction with the new video game Guitar Hero. Playing a video game based on a guitar will definitely draw attention to younger generations, but maybe not necessarily in the right way. The interest of learning the real guitar will decrease with the popularity of these new games. The difference of being able to play a Guitar Hero game compared to a real guitar is like black versus white. For example, the controller for the game has five buttons where a real guitar has six strings ranging from twenty two to twenty four frets. Also kids are getting into rock music for all the wrong reasons. They shouldn’t have to resort to a video game to find out music. The plain and simple fact is that Guitar Hero is hurting future guitarists.

Without commas or any other punctuation, this paragraph is filled with run-ons and bad sentences:

before: Smoke is not only damaging to humans but also is dangerous for the structure where it is being performed. From a physics standpoint smoke is less dense than air so it will rise to the top of a room. Considering this the cigarette smoke in a bar or restaurant rises and creates a yellow layer of film on the ceiling. This film is very difficult to remove and can also reduce the value on a building in the future if it is to be sold. Where there are smoking people there will be lazy people. Time after time people do not completely put out their buttes. This means that the end of the smoldering ash is dangerously hot and somewhat on fire. It is common for accidents to happen for instance a server bumps the table and knocks the hot butte on the floor onto a napkin. This napkin in turn starts on fire and spreads under your feet until you notice it and it’s too late to get water. The plain and simple fact is that a single cigarette can burn down an entire building. After the Ohio November 2006 ban the probability of building fires being caused by cigarettes dramatically increased.

When fixed, it makes more sense:

after: Smoke is not only damaging to humans, but also is dangerous for the structure where it is being performed. From a physics standpoint, smoke is less dense than air, so it will rise to the top of a room. Considering this, the cigarette smoke in a bar or restaurant rises and creates a yellow layer of film on the ceiling. This film is very difficult to remove, and can also reduce the value on a building in the future if it is to be sold. Where there are smoking people, there will be lazy people. Time after time people do not completely put out their buttes. This means that the end of the smoldering ash is dangerously hot and somewhat on fire. It is common for accidents to happen, for instance a server bumps the table and knocks the hot butte on the floor onto a napkin. This napkin in tern starts on fire and spreads under your feet until you notice it and it’s too late to get water. The plain and simple fact is that a single cigarette can burn down an entire building. After the Ohio November 2006 ban, the probability of building fires being caused by cigarettes dramatically increased.

Original Paragraph:

The T.E.C. retreat I went to was held in Carey, Ohio. It is a small town that basically has a ton of churches, a couple natives, and a McDonald’s. It is the perfect place to get away and see God. Also I went during February so there was a brisk chill on the air, and fresh snow on the ground. Personally I love snow. Things click for me visually, because that’s just how my mind works. This being said, the combination of the calm weather we had mixed with the beautiful interior and exterior of the basilica brought a calming sense to me. It’s like that scene in Forrest Gump when he was running and saw the beautiful mountains, you know Forrest was happy inside.

Process:

[2] It is the perfect place to get away and see God. -I threw in the hustle and bustle part to make a visualization to my real life.

[3] Also I went during February so there was a brisk chill on the air, and fresh snow on the ground. -I did not think that there was a problem with this sentence, because it gave the setting like I wanted, so i kept it how it was.

[4] Personally I love snow.

[5] Things click for me visually, because that’s just how my mind works. -I felt this sentence was a general main idea, so I decided to make it the opener for the paragraph, but I changed it a bit.

[6] This being said, the combination of the calm weather we had mixed with the beautiful interior and exterior of the basilica brought a calming sense to me. -In the new paragraph I added a description for someone who doesn’t know the catholic lingo that describes “basilica.”

[7] It’s like that scene in Forrest Gump when he was running and saw the beautiful mountains, you know Forrest was happy inside. -Here I kept the sentence because in WR it tells to finish the paragraph by “presenting a powerful image or forceful example.” I think most people out there have seen Forrest Gump.

Re-write:

[5] I am a visual thinker, so I can remember the “whats, whens, wheres, and hows” of the retreat. [1] The retreat I went to was held in Carey, Ohio. It is a small town that basically has a ton of churches, a couple natives, and a McDonald’s. [2] It is the perfect place to get away from the hustle and bustle of your everyday life and see God. [3] Also I went during February so there was a brisk chill on the air, and fresh snow on the ground. [4] Personally I love snow. [6] This being said, the combination of the calm weather we had mixed with the beautiful interior and exterior of the basilica brought a calming sense to me (a basilica is another name for a larger church). [7] It’s like that scene in Forrest Gump when he was running and saw the beautiful mountains, you know Forrest was happy inside.

In my writing course at BG, I am asked to write an essay on an experience in my life that changed me as a person. Here are a couple significant experiences that i thought of off hand that had the most impact:

1. T.E.C. retreat/kairos
Both T.E.C. and Kairos were retreats that I went to. I graduated from a catholic school so Kairos was a requirement for senior year, and T.E.C. was a retreat I went on just because I loved Kairos, and they are somewhat similar. Both of these experiences were deepening for my faith, and made me the person I am today.

2. New York City
Going to New York City for the first time was the biggest culture shock I had ever experienced in my life before July this summer. I had no idea about all of the different things that go on there, and I know people tell stories, but it’s different experiencing it first hand. It also was a plus that I was with my family and I also was exposed to the Spanish exchange kid. I have never actually gotten to personally know someone from another country.

I can say that I could pick out many instances out of both events that changed me. I think even though the retreats were separate, i could pick one that has preference, which would have to be T.E.C. I think that the retreats made the most impact on me in the long run. In New York City there were a ton of things that blew my mind. You know how you watch movies and you see bums on the street, naked cowboys, and tons of people running around Chinatown going every directon for a gazillion different purposes? Well I saw it all. This is something I think changed my perspective, because I graduated in a class of 54 people in a smaller town, so we don’t normally get all the excitement of the big city.

I think I am favoring the T.E.C. experience, but you’ll have to see come tuesday when the working draft is due…

In the beginning of chapter one, it describes many different purposes for writing that any person will use in different points of his or her lifetime. According to the book, we will be learning about informative and explanatory writing in chapter two, and persuasive and argumentative writing in chapter three. One of the most important words that is emphasized in mostly every paragraph is the word rhetorical. From what i have read and understand, rhetorical is being able to obtain or remember what you have read in your mind, and being able to project it for someone else to understand.

Later on the book goes on to describe the importances of writing in each phase of our lives. These parts include academic, professional, civic, and personal instances. It also relates people who have to do a significant amount of writing for their jobs to a high income, and also vise versa for people who don’t necessarily write as much for their job.

The Council of Writing Program Administrators has set up a standard set of goals for writing. These goals include rhetorical knowledge, critical thinking, reading and writing, writing processes, and knowledge of conventions. For the rest of the chapter, these goals are briefly explained.

My name is Jordan, but you can call me STERN if you would like. This is the first blog that I have ever made.