Original Paragraph:

The T.E.C. retreat I went to was held in Carey, Ohio. It is a small town that basically has a ton of churches, a couple natives, and a McDonald’s. It is the perfect place to get away and see God. Also I went during February so there was a brisk chill on the air, and fresh snow on the ground. Personally I love snow. Things click for me visually, because that’s just how my mind works. This being said, the combination of the calm weather we had mixed with the beautiful interior and exterior of the basilica brought a calming sense to me. It’s like that scene in Forrest Gump when he was running and saw the beautiful mountains, you know Forrest was happy inside.

Process:

[2] It is the perfect place to get away and see God. -I threw in the hustle and bustle part to make a visualization to my real life.

[3] Also I went during February so there was a brisk chill on the air, and fresh snow on the ground. -I did not think that there was a problem with this sentence, because it gave the setting like I wanted, so i kept it how it was.

[4] Personally I love snow.

[5] Things click for me visually, because that’s just how my mind works. -I felt this sentence was a general main idea, so I decided to make it the opener for the paragraph, but I changed it a bit.

[6] This being said, the combination of the calm weather we had mixed with the beautiful interior and exterior of the basilica brought a calming sense to me. -In the new paragraph I added a description for someone who doesn’t know the catholic lingo that describes “basilica.”

[7] It’s like that scene in Forrest Gump when he was running and saw the beautiful mountains, you know Forrest was happy inside. -Here I kept the sentence because in WR it tells to finish the paragraph by “presenting a powerful image or forceful example.” I think most people out there have seen Forrest Gump.

Re-write:

[5] I am a visual thinker, so I can remember the “whats, whens, wheres, and hows” of the retreat. [1] The retreat I went to was held in Carey, Ohio. It is a small town that basically has a ton of churches, a couple natives, and a McDonald’s. [2] It is the perfect place to get away from the hustle and bustle of your everyday life and see God. [3] Also I went during February so there was a brisk chill on the air, and fresh snow on the ground. [4] Personally I love snow. [6] This being said, the combination of the calm weather we had mixed with the beautiful interior and exterior of the basilica brought a calming sense to me (a basilica is another name for a larger church). [7] It’s like that scene in Forrest Gump when he was running and saw the beautiful mountains, you know Forrest was happy inside.