Stephan Reed — The American Nightmare

Another amazing bgsu blog

Posts Tagged Ohio

Celtic Pride Alive in Ohio

Feb 3

Posted by Stephan Reed in News Related, Sports | No Comments

I’m not ridiculously big into sports, but if you have ever met me, you would know that I am a Boston Celtics fan.

My fandom started five years ago when the Cavs lost LeBron James and I needed a team to root for. My pal Brian was into the Big C’s, so I decided “What the hell, may as cheer for the team that beat mine in past years.”

It hasn’t been the best of times being a Celtics fan, though. With the departure of Ray Allen and season-ending injuries to both Rajon Rondo and Jared Sullinger, I thought the Celtics were done.

I thought wrong. They are only just heating up.

Since Rondo’s ACL injury, they are 4-0. Despite these wins coming from teams who are sub-par or plagued with injuries, they seem to be showing signs of life.

"I can feel it coming in the air tonight."

Earlier in the season, Paul Pierce was not playing to his best ability. He has never been much of a defender, so I expected him to give up some points, but when his shots started falling short and his field goal percentage began to trail off, I was scared that the Truth was getting old. I didn’t think he had it in him.

However, with the Rondo injury came a revival in the team’s captain. Doc Rivers gave the team to Rajon at the beginning of the semester, but now, Pierce is back to palming the team. With this revival in responsibility, he has taken command and has begun to heat up.

As for Kevin Garnett, there was never any doubt in my mind that he was going to continue putting up double-double numbers each night. He plays with such tenacity, pride, aggression and skill. His time is not over with.

He takes a breather midway through the first quarter and then hits the floor later to rebound and drain turnaround jumpers that I can only trust in him to shoot.

One aspect of the Celtics that goes unappreciated is their depth. The Celtics bench puts up just as many points as their starters on any given night. Jason Terry, Barbosa, Green and Lee are the fire the C’s need to keep up late in the game.

Garnett and Pierce aren’t old, but they can’t play as many minutes as they used to. Their bench is as good as any other  .500 teams’ starters.  This is where the Los Angeles Lakers have failed. They rely on Howard, Kobe, Gasol and Nash to do everything. As soon as one goes down, the whole team falls.

They’ve managed some success recently, but that will not last if they don’t build better chemistry and cohesion. You can’t just throw big names at a team and expect them to succeed. Look at the Celtics; they have grown together and work together, not against each other. As evident earlier in the season, the Celtics have each others’ backs. Rondo, Bradley and Garnett are feisty and will destroy anyone who attempts to undermine or cheap shot their teammates.

That pride is what will keep the C’s alive. They have heart. They have respect. They play with tenacity. Their skill level may be a bit diminished with the absence of Rondo, but they still are a solid team that should not be counted out.

They may not win it all this year, but when Sullinger matures and heals, and Rondo hits the floor once again, the league better be scared. Doc is experimenting with different lineups and I’m liking what I’m seeing. The Celtics will look different next year, but they’ll look even better.

As a Celtics fanatic, I’m excited for the future. I’m still excited for this year. I’m still excited every time they hit the floor.

Just because they’re injured, doesn’t mean they aren’t strong.

The Celtic pride is very much alive.

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Blame It On The Weather

Jan 12

Posted by Stephan Reed in Personal | No Comments

Let’s just say that I’m feeling a little empty inside.

I have no biological support system, my best friend is gone and I am getting mentally abused by people who are supposed to be my equals.

I’m showing signs of physical dysmorphia. No matter how hard I try, how much I work out, how much I diet, every morning, I look in the mirror and absolutely despise what I see. One may think this normal, but it’s becoming extreme. I honestly will see an added 20 or 30 lbs. that other people don’t see. Some days it is better. Some days it is worse. However, it’s usually always there. Deep down, I know I likely look fine, but I cannot push the mental block in my head out of the way.

“You’re despicable. How the hell do you have a girlfriend? Your face and stomach are so fat, you shouldn’t even go out in public. You’re a disgrace.” These are some of the things I subconsciously tell myself. This depression has gotten to the point where I want to do something physical about it, but I know cutting is not wise because it leaves scars and gets people talking. That’s not what I want. I don’t really want attention. Starving myself is an option, but I don’t want to be weak and I’ve seen what it has done to family members. My outlet is working out incredibly hard. Forcing myself to lift for inane amounts of times. If I don’t workout and run 5-6 times a week, my self worth is shot. I feel completely awful.

My birthday was this past week and let’s just say I never really handle birthdays all that well. I’m just getting older. There’s no excitement. Everyone around me is settling down and moving on with their lives. Their energy is being drained. I’m beginning to come to grips with reality. My life will never be as fun/exciting as it once was. That sentiment alone makes me want to hide away forever. I guess  this is growing up.

"If letting go means true happiness for you and I, then I'll release you forever to save our lives. Against my will. But I will never forget you and what you've done to my life."

There’s no sunshine in my life right now. I look out the window and the world is gray. I feel nothing. And when I do feel some sort of emotion, it is negative. I write songs to cope, but then that sacrifices other time that I am supposed to using to finish a completely ridiculous task. I need to make very big changes in my life if I want to get back on the right track.

The same mechanisms I used to help me deal with emptiness are now the ones causing the voids. I used people to fix my depression, but now those people are gone. They’ve moved away. She’s got her own life now and I can be cast aside. My best friends have been my family. Now that they seem to be fading away from me, I feel no sense of belonging. And this isn’t some cool, rogue, “lone ranger” feeling. This is an emptiness. I feel no one understands my way of living.

I feel that no one out there feels as strongly as I do about anything. I am an emotional person, but I don’t let my emotions make me look crazy. They make me the exciting person that I am today. But people have condemned me for my personality. I’m immature because I give everyone and everything a chance. I’m silly because I try new things.

I try to be a rock for each individual. Getting to know people is one of my most favourite things in this life. However, society deems that creepy and abrasive. In a way, it is more acceptable for me to seek out sex from a stranger than a lasting friendship. I just want to talk to someone.

However, one ray of light is shining through: I still have my faith. I have faith that this will all get better. I still believe in God. I don’t care what anyone’s religion says or is, this is just a way for me to keep my head up.

But it’s hard to keep your head up when so much is weighing on your mind. Looking over the horizon isn’t as exciting as it once was because I have no one to commentate with. I have no one to plan with.

I miss you all. Everyone I have ever come in contact with. Anyone I have ever had a heart-to-heart with. My world feels empty.

I would do anything to have a late-night conversation. The feelings I am dealing with now make my lifestyle miserable. I wake, hate what I see. Go to class, try and succeed and get made fun of. I am unappreciated. I walk home, with my head down. I sing out loud as a form of comfort, only to get glared at by the stranger I didn’t know was there. I go to bed. Alone. Only to repeat the cycle the next day.

How long can I keep doing this? How long will the clouds keep covering the sun? Please, let the sun shine through.

I meant to be something more than how I feel.

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Instagram Filters Have Nothing on My View

Jan 5

Posted by Stephan Reed in Personal | No Comments

Something about being able to capture a moment with an image intrigues me.

I recently acquired a Nikon D3200 and I have yet to put it down. I desire to document every instance. I have begun to see from different perspectives because it could make a pretty picture.

I'm such a nature enthusiast. Pokemon snap taught me everything I needed to know.

Through this lens, I see the world differently. It is a prettier place.

The first picture I took with this camera. Seemed festive.

My view of the world is optimistic. I try to find beauty in everything I come across, so if I can take a picture that will catch someone’s eye and allow them to see through my worldly lens, then I have done my job. If one takes a picture of a cigarette butt the right way, it could mean something to someone.

We live in a beautiful place covered by garbage. It’s our jobs to uncover the beauty in everything.

People look at this place with a negative filter.

That’s no way to live.

People are ugly and their actions are hurtful, but they have a story. Each individual has experience different things in their lives that make up who they are.

The depth of field on this thing is wonderful.

Maybe it’s a lesson in empathy, but I’m starting to see the world through different lenses. I may not always like what I see, but I can understand it. In the right lighting, anything could be beautiful.

Compose the picture that you want to see. Be the photographer of your everyday life.

I compose the right photos to exemplify the swag that I have.

Use the colors of the environment and contrast them with the different personalities you come in contact with.

It’s not a bad world once you look at it through my eyes.

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The Beta-Alpha Male

Dec 4

Posted by Stephan Reed in Personal | No Comments

"We're young and in love, heart attacks waiting to happen. So come a little closer, tell me it's all in our heads."

I’m sitting here, the glow of my computer lighting up my room. I know I should go to bed because I feel some sort of sickness coming on, but screw it, sleep is for the weak.

I Love the winter months. I feel that I was most self-aware during this season in past years. I can clearly remember the coldness of the Sandusky air numbing my cheeks as I played guitar to an empty audience in my grandmother’s garage. My fingers were numb. It literally hurt to play, but dammit, the show inside my head had to go on.

The weird thing is that there are people out there who know how I feel. My friend Will was programming and recording music while I was, yet we were an hour apart. (He was Beta before it was even called that. I have a serious appreciation for those who get the most out of the Internet and have that presence.) I don’t think I’ve ever met a person in my life that shared my exact feelings about music. There’s more to it than money. It’s about the memories that are made both while listening to it and while making it. The organic writing process is something to die for. The hour-long jams where you completely lose yourself on the fretboard…I miss that.

I miss the way I was. I was so sentimental before. I felt more original and less of a phony. (Insert Holden Caufield reference here.) I used to write my feelings out. The late-night phone conversations are missing in my life. I need to get to know someone new. I miss the thrill of getting to know and understand the depths of a person. There’s a few people out there I’d Love to talk to, but I’m too scared to actually initiate anything.

Yeah. Me. Scared to talk to someone.

I miss staying up all night on the phone or having the vibrations of a new text wake me up in random intervals. “No, you’re not keeping me up :)”

Right now, Taking Back Sunday, Hawthorne Heights and Escape the Fate are making me incredibly nostalgic. I remember the first time I heard them before I knew who they were. It was in the winter of the past years mentioned previously.

I remember heartbreak vividly. I remember tears freezing in my eyes. (“How does it feel when tears freeze when you cry.” Literally came on as I finished typing this.)

I wonder if there are anymore bleeding hearts out there. Was that just a phase in my life? Was my sentimentality something I need to outgrow?

God, I hope not. That lifestyle was so satisfying.

There has to be someone out there whose bedroom is being lit up by their computer screen who’s just dying to tell their story to someone new. If this person is you, talk to me. I’m a good listener.

Getting to know someone new is what I live for. If I had it my way, I would travel the country, sharing the drinking traditions of each person or group I came in contact with, all the while talking about the crazy shit we’ve been through, the stuff we’ve seen … the people who have gotten away.

If you’re looking for a friend, I’m here.

Whoever you are.

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Speak With Substance, Avoid Superficial Conversation

Dec 4

Posted by Stephan Reed in Uncategorized | No Comments

I have come to the realization that our common conversations have become incredibly superficial and lack depth and substance.

While watching the film “God Bless America,” the protagonist, Frank, goes on a tirade about this subject. “Nobody talks about anything anymore. When was the last time you had a real conversation without someone texting or looking at a screen or a monitor over your head?”

Why do we shy away from talking about our feelings, aspirations, religious convictions and/or things that aren’t entertainment or sports? I’m not saying there is anything wrong with popular culture-based talks or sport chats, but try and think critically about what you have seen and speak original thoughts. Don’t just spew what you read online or heard on TV.

Some of my closest friendships were spawned from spontaneous, personal conversations. One doesn’t have to pour their soul out to a stranger, but opening up shouldn’t strike fear into their heart.

Everyone has a history. Every individual has a unique story. Each person you come across probably possesses the memory of an experience that you would find intriguing.

There aren’t many things better than those long, all-night conversations with someone. The ones in which you can feel the friendship forming into a long-lasting bond. The ones where you think “I should probably go to sleep,” but your friend has you so encompassed and on the edge of your seat that you throw the ideas of morning exhaustion out the window and listen onward.

You’re completely engaged. Your phone doesn’t matter.

When you listen, it feels great for both parties. You retain the knowledge about this person and feel a deeper connection with them, while they feel special and unique because they have someone who will actively listen to them without texting mid conversation.

We live in a society where all of our thoughts and ideas are posted on social media, yet we can’t talk to people. Social media seems to be taking the “social” aspects out of our daily lives.

Instead of posting about how angry you are at your professor or subtweeting about your friend, try talking to them about it. Hell, they may even commend you for taking the initiative to attack the issue head on. Instead of posting a Facebook status containing lyrics that you relate to, bring the song up in conversation with the person who inspired the thoughtful connection. The song will never sound the same again.

Feelings. Dreams. Personal history. These are the things we should be talking about, not Miley Cyrus’ new haircut or what your ex said about you on Twitter.

Superficial chatter is a plague. It keeps us from talking about stuff that truly matters. These issues get overshadowed by “pop-politics.” There’s always the typical conversations about abortion, the death penalty and gun control, but why don’t we talk about the conflict between the University’s Faculty Association and the Administration or the on campus smoking ban that is being discussed?

It is doubtful that we can control the hot topic issues of the nation, but we can have a say in the problems that are in our own backyard.

I strongly urge everyone out there to strike up a real conversation with that one person who catches your eye in the Union or the girl who sits by you in class with the sweet Attack Attack! bookbag or the professor who makes you feel like a human being and not just another kid in class.

It’s the last week of classes. Take a chance.

What’s the worst that can happen? They could look at you weird and you will never have to see them again.

What’s the best that can happen?

You could have a new friend for life.

 

 

 

 

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The Threshold

Nov 15

Posted by Stephan Reed in Personal | No Comments

I’ve driven down your road, looking for our past feelings,

I’ve thought about who we were as I stared at my ceiling.

It was a weight off my shoulders when I heard you had changed.

The process progresses when I see you’re not the same.

 

There’s no shame in believing in Always and Forever,

When the weight on your shoulders is that of a feather.

But as we grow older and our hearts mature,

Our affection gets colder from the pain we have endured.

 

The four walls of your room have heard our testimony;

All the promises we made and the Love that you showed me.

But our feelings have went dull and the testimony fades,

And your voice echos through my head, transcending from happier days.

 

It’s not irrational to believe in true Love,

It’s not ridiculous to believe in a power above,

But when reality shows its face and forces you to act,

Love and faith go dormant, while nervousness manifests.

 

The paths that we followed, the thresholds we’ve gone through,

Are still in existence, unlike the trust we had abused.

I miss the way we were, our kisses, our quirks.

The thought of you alone forces tears to emerge.

 

It’s not weak or shameful to cry for a loss of innocence.

Naivety goes up in flames and burns like incense.

But when mourning consumes your life and darkens your day,

It’s time to abandon the old roads and explore a new way.

 

The notes that you left are now encased in ash.

The memory of you is now engrained in my past.

But no matter hard I try; no matter how much I pray,

Seeing your smile will always brighten my way.

 

The point isn’t to become bitter, but appreciate the sweet.

To look for those great qualities in everyone you meet.

Don’t forget our memories and I won’t forget you.

I won’t forget the roads we traveled and the passages we’ve gone through.

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The Murder Scene of the Music Scene

Oct 3

Posted by Stephan Reed in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Much like the early 90s grunge scene in Seattle, Washington, the current music scene has been destroyed by a few bands that made it big in the mainstream marketing.

In 2006, Ohio was a Mecca for local music. Everywhere you turned, there were bands coming out with new singles and pushing their newest merchandise. Band stickers and flyers for local shows were plastered on any open space and, as a young musician myself, this was exhilarating.

That's me in the middle, playing live at Howard's Club H in 2008.

For many young bands, “making it” and getting signed were dreams that rested in the back of the mind, but what really mattered was practicing and playing live, in front of family, friends and complete strangers.

I can tell you, firsthand, that there was nothing more exciting than looking out into the crowd and seeing people moshing and dancing to your heaviest breakdowns or the glow in the eyes of the females in the front row as they looked up during the clean choruses. I’m getting chills just by recalling it.

Bands took whatever measures they could to record their songs. Whether it was through the use of pirated music software, a grassroots record producer (Swordfish Studios in Findlay, Slaughterdog Records in Lima, ect.) or just a hand-me-down 8-track recording device, bands were adamant about printing their own music.

Bands would record anywhere and do just about anything to get their music into a reasonable sounding format and then onto their Myspace music player.

At this time, the music was nowhere near perfect. In fact, it was perfectly imperfect. Listening back, one can hear missed notes, off time bass drum hits and poor leveling. But those little miscues are what make this so special to me. It was more about the message and the experience than the money-hungry attitude that consumes today’s music industry.

Bands began cutting their hair, spending thousands of dollars on recording and acting like complete snobs. The Internet was always a mainstream outlet for pushing shows and your music, but it quickly turned into a cesspool of shameless plugs and “You can only listen to this band if you ‘Like’ it first” messages.

In this way, MySpace.com trumped Facebook. Myspace was a purveyor of music; the guy who would let you play at his church or record your EP for free. Facebook is just that slimy guy who collects the money at the door and cuts your playing time in half.

After bands like The Devil Wears Prada, Before Their Eyes, Bring Me The Horizon and A Day To Remember started gaining speed, other bands ditched their originality to sound like the bands that were making money. They started over producing their records, tuning to ridiculously low tunings and mixing their bass guitars out of any song.

Now, we are living in 2012. It is a time where local shows are an endangered species. It’s more profitable to record an album and push it online than it is to go out and play the music that you wrote from your heart. The emotion has been sucked out the local music scene.

Even though the good ole days are gone, I can still be proud to say that I was out there living each day. I can still recall the feeling of walking onstage hundreds of miles away from home. I can still remember meeting hundreds of new people. I can still reminisce on a time where music was full of heart.

As lame as it may sound, I can’t wait to look at the younger generations and tell them my stories. “Back in my day, music was real.”

 

 

Settle The Sky performing Cheyenne in Gibsonburg, Ohio 2008

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