"Sometimes I question why I am still here. Sometimes I think I am going crazy."
The cold creeps through my window while two of my best friends have a conversation about the future behind me. It gets me thinking…where am I going to be?
Second guessing myself has always been a weakness of mine, but it’s truly shown it’s ugly face recently. I star worrying about my career to the point in which I begin to shake and quiver. Usually, I shake it off and move on with my thoughts, but I don’t think that’s how I should go about this.
One of my friends has had far better internships than I and she’s uncertain about her future. If she’s not comfortable, why should I be?
To Hell with it; should I be comfortable?
I live my life in a constant state of organized chaos. I thrive on situations that seem ridiculous and dangerous to others, but I know that I can fix and control at any time.
I like spontaneity. Surprises keep me from going insane. However, if I don’t have something to look forward to, I begin to lose the light of excitement for the future. That’s why I always make plans. That’s why I am never alone.
Taking a step back, I see that I have something grand ahead of me. I know the motivation is there. But will the stars align properly for this wanderer? Will I be guided to do what will be best for me?
The fact that my future isn’t carved in stone keeps me guessing and guessing keeps the rust from forming. The gears are turning because of anxiety.
It’s a double-edged sword.
Growing up, “living in the ‘now'” was engrained in my head. There is no past. There is no future. There is just…now.
So, should I worry? Should I dwell? Absolutely not.
I try to exist on a day-to-day basis, but occupational and academic issues take precedent and that notion is thrown out the window. The rear-view mirror holds the past that I spent worrying and pressured, while the road ahead contains two options: worry and have it done efficiently or breathe and hope for the best.
At this point, the latter is sounding more appealing.
I hate freaking out. I hate worrying. I Love responsibility, but only when I am certain that I can achieve what is being asked of me.
It’s the instances in which I am asked to the unexpected that truly get to me. “I’m only human.”
So, where do I stand? I don’t know.
Future-oriented: worried about exams, anxious about my job tomorrow, thinking that I won’t get enough sleep tonight.
Dwelling on the past: I didn’t try hard enough, I let go of opportunities to make this easier.
Now: I am sitting. Letting out my feelings in the form of keystrokes. And it feels good.
I guess, what I’m getting at, is that I need to find a balance between comfort and adventure. I shouldn’t let my future be laid out for me; what’s the fun in that? However, I shouldn’t just let it all go without some sort of preparation.
We need to spend more time just existing. Mindless existing. Too many times we are pressured by outside circumstances and bullshit that we cannot control. I have months ahead before any of these crazy decisions must be made.
Why freak out now?
I’m confident. Be confident. There’s nothing wrong with that. Hone in on your skills. Be proud of what you are, but try and get better. Get better. Don’t lose what you have already had.
My apologies to whoever may be reading this. I’m completely insane. I have two exams tomorrow, one in eight hours. And you know what?
I don’t give a damn.