Let’s just say that I’m feeling a little empty inside.
I have no biological support system, my best friend is gone and I am getting mentally abused by people who are supposed to be my equals.
I’m showing signs of physical dysmorphia. No matter how hard I try, how much I work out, how much I diet, every morning, I look in the mirror and absolutely despise what I see. One may think this normal, but it’s becoming extreme. I honestly will see an added 20 or 30 lbs. that other people don’t see. Some days it is better. Some days it is worse. However, it’s usually always there. Deep down, I know I likely look fine, but I cannot push the mental block in my head out of the way.
“You’re despicable. How the hell do you have a girlfriend? Your face and stomach are so fat, you shouldn’t even go out in public. You’re a disgrace.” These are some of the things I subconsciously tell myself. This depression has gotten to the point where I want to do something physical about it, but I know cutting is not wise because it leaves scars and gets people talking. That’s not what I want. I don’t really want attention. Starving myself is an option, but I don’t want to be weak and I’ve seen what it has done to family members. My outlet is working out incredibly hard. Forcing myself to lift for inane amounts of times. If I don’t workout and run 5-6 times a week, my self worth is shot. I feel completely awful.
My birthday was this past week and let’s just say I never really handle birthdays all that well. I’m just getting older. There’s no excitement. Everyone around me is settling down and moving on with their lives. Their energy is being drained. I’m beginning to come to grips with reality. My life will never be as fun/exciting as it once was. That sentiment alone makes me want to hide away forever. I guess this is growing up.
"If letting go means true happiness for you and I, then I'll release you forever to save our lives. Against my will. But I will never forget you and what you've done to my life."
There’s no sunshine in my life right now. I look out the window and the world is gray. I feel nothing. And when I do feel some sort of emotion, it is negative. I write songs to cope, but then that sacrifices other time that I am supposed to using to finish a completely ridiculous task. I need to make very big changes in my life if I want to get back on the right track.
The same mechanisms I used to help me deal with emptiness are now the ones causing the voids. I used people to fix my depression, but now those people are gone. They’ve moved away. She’s got her own life now and I can be cast aside. My best friends have been my family. Now that they seem to be fading away from me, I feel no sense of belonging. And this isn’t some cool, rogue, “lone ranger” feeling. This is an emptiness. I feel no one understands my way of living.
I feel that no one out there feels as strongly as I do about anything. I am an emotional person, but I don’t let my emotions make me look crazy. They make me the exciting person that I am today. But people have condemned me for my personality. I’m immature because I give everyone and everything a chance. I’m silly because I try new things.
I try to be a rock for each individual. Getting to know people is one of my most favourite things in this life. However, society deems that creepy and abrasive. In a way, it is more acceptable for me to seek out sex from a stranger than a lasting friendship. I just want to talk to someone.
However, one ray of light is shining through: I still have my faith. I have faith that this will all get better. I still believe in God. I don’t care what anyone’s religion says or is, this is just a way for me to keep my head up.
But it’s hard to keep your head up when so much is weighing on your mind. Looking over the horizon isn’t as exciting as it once was because I have no one to commentate with. I have no one to plan with.
I miss you all. Everyone I have ever come in contact with. Anyone I have ever had a heart-to-heart with. My world feels empty.
I would do anything to have a late-night conversation. The feelings I am dealing with now make my lifestyle miserable. I wake, hate what I see. Go to class, try and succeed and get made fun of. I am unappreciated. I walk home, with my head down. I sing out loud as a form of comfort, only to get glared at by the stranger I didn’t know was there. I go to bed. Alone. Only to repeat the cycle the next day.
How long can I keep doing this? How long will the clouds keep covering the sun? Please, let the sun shine through.
I meant to be something more than how I feel.