Archive for category Personal

There’s Hope in Them There Bands

I’m putting a lot of faith in the reunion of Fall Out Boy.

When the band was at its peak, I never truly appreciated what they were doing for the music scene. I was far too obsessed with 80s hair metal at the time and it really closed my mind to anything new. However, this time around, my mind is an open notebook and it is ready to be filled.

This could become a revival. The music scene has become stale and repetitive, which isn’t bad if it’s Friday night and you’re nine drinks deep, but when you’re scanning the radio, songs about only living once and staying up until 3 a.m. don’t quite speak to you.

Introduce a little change. Upset the established order, as the Joker would say. Bring bands to front of the airwaves from Sunday to Thursday, from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. and you will see a rise in identification with modern music.

"And when it rains, Will you always find an escape? Just running away, From all of the ones who love you, From everything."

When Fall Out Boy started blowing up Fuse and MTV, I didn’t understand the appeal, but now I see what they did. They gave a voice to the generation that felt misunderstood, screwed over or just bored. Their clever hooks and upbeat melodies brought optimism and the music videos gave a narrative that could told a real story and could be followed.

Now, I would like to state that I enjoy the music of today. There’s a time and place for the songs that play constantly on the airwaves, though. Every day and anywhere is not proper for many of the acts. As a musician, I try to find appreciation in every style of music, and I have. Lil Wayne is clever. Skrillex is creative. Lady Gaga puts on one hell of a show.

"These words are all I have, so I'll write them."

What’s missing? Someone who embodies all of these at once.

While in high school, there were bands. Not boy bands. Not rap groups, but actual bands. Avenged Sevenfold, Paramore, A Day to Remember, Taking Back Sunday, My Chemical Romance, Green Day … the list goes on and on, but one thing is for certain, these acts will stand the test of time. One may call them angsty, but I call them personal and I’m not saying that modern acts will be forgotten and aren’t memorable, but they will certainly be labeled as “throwbacks” and obsolete very soon after their heavy rotation by weekend DJs is up.

The bands mentioned previously embody something much more. They’re personal. They are situational and speak to an individual. Favorite songs by an artist aren’t always the singles! They’re the songs that you listen to when you can’t sleep because you’re thinking about someone or that song that hit you just right and came into your life at the perfect time. Those songs stick with you on a daily basis. Songs about only having tonight are fundamentally flawed because we have more than tonight. Any sober mind can see that.

Most of the time, bands aren’t on major record labels and they can create a sound that is unique and experimental. Today’s Top 40 songs can be sung by different artists and it won’t mean anything different. The lyrical content of bands, like Fall Out Boy, is timeless because they can resonate with someone on any given day.

Most importantly , to me, these artists offer live shows that you want to attend while sober. One would want to embrace the sounds and personalities of the band, not just get lost in the lights.

"This band will stand the test of time."

There’s a chance. There’s hope. The optimism for modern music to have meaning once again rides on the shoulders of those who also have a guitar strapped around them or drum sticks in their hands.

I’m so excited for the release of Fall Out Boy’s “Save Rock n’ Roll.” I pray that it will do just that … Save rock n’ roll. Time to bring back long hair, lyrics in notebooks and songs that mean something.

It’s time for a takeover, because the break is over and there is once again hope in the music industry.

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Blame It On The Weather

Let’s just say that I’m feeling a little empty inside.

I have no biological support system, my best friend is gone and I am getting mentally abused by people who are supposed to be my equals.

I’m showing signs of physical dysmorphia. No matter how hard I try, how much I work out, how much I diet, every morning, I look in the mirror and absolutely despise what I see. One may think this normal, but it’s becoming extreme. I honestly will see an added 20 or 30 lbs. that other people don’t see. Some days it is better. Some days it is worse. However, it’s usually always there. Deep down, I know I likely look fine, but I cannot push the mental block in my head out of the way.

“You’re despicable. How the hell do you have a girlfriend? Your face and stomach are so fat, you shouldn’t even go out in public. You’re a disgrace.” These are some of the things I subconsciously tell myself. This depression has gotten to the point where I want to do something physical about it, but I know cutting is not wise because it leaves scars and gets people talking. That’s not what I want. I don’t really want attention. Starving myself is an option, but I don’t want to be weak and I’ve seen what it has done to family members. My outlet is working out incredibly hard. Forcing myself to lift for inane amounts of times. If I don’t workout and run 5-6 times a week, my self worth is shot. I feel completely awful.

My birthday was this past week and let’s just say I never really handle birthdays all that well. I’m just getting older. There’s no excitement. Everyone around me is settling down and moving on with their lives. Their energy is being drained. I’m beginning to come to grips with reality. My life will never be as fun/exciting as it once was. That sentiment alone makes me want to hide away forever. I guess  this is growing up.

"If letting go means true happiness for you and I, then I'll release you forever to save our lives. Against my will. But I will never forget you and what you've done to my life."

There’s no sunshine in my life right now. I look out the window and the world is gray. I feel nothing. And when I do feel some sort of emotion, it is negative. I write songs to cope, but then that sacrifices other time that I am supposed to using to finish a completely ridiculous task. I need to make very big changes in my life if I want to get back on the right track.

The same mechanisms I used to help me deal with emptiness are now the ones causing the voids. I used people to fix my depression, but now those people are gone. They’ve moved away. She’s got her own life now and I can be cast aside. My best friends have been my family. Now that they seem to be fading away from me, I feel no sense of belonging. And this isn’t some cool, rogue, “lone ranger” feeling. This is an emptiness. I feel no one understands my way of living.

I feel that no one out there feels as strongly as I do about anything. I am an emotional person, but I don’t let my emotions make me look crazy. They make me the exciting person that I am today. But people have condemned me for my personality. I’m immature because I give everyone and everything a chance. I’m silly because I try new things.

I try to be a rock for each individual. Getting to know people is one of my most favourite things in this life. However, society deems that creepy and abrasive. In a way, it is more acceptable for me to seek out sex from a stranger than a lasting friendship. I just want to talk to someone.

However, one ray of light is shining through: I still have my faith. I have faith that this will all get better. I still believe in God. I don’t care what anyone’s religion says or is, this is just a way for me to keep my head up.

But it’s hard to keep your head up when so much is weighing on your mind. Looking over the horizon isn’t as exciting as it once was because I have no one to commentate with. I have no one to plan with.

I miss you all. Everyone I have ever come in contact with. Anyone I have ever had a heart-to-heart with. My world feels empty.

I would do anything to have a late-night conversation. The feelings I am dealing with now make my lifestyle miserable. I wake, hate what I see. Go to class, try and succeed and get made fun of. I am unappreciated. I walk home, with my head down. I sing out loud as a form of comfort, only to get glared at by the stranger I didn’t know was there. I go to bed. Alone. Only to repeat the cycle the next day.

How long can I keep doing this? How long will the clouds keep covering the sun? Please, let the sun shine through.

I meant to be something more than how I feel.

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Instagram Filters Have Nothing on My View

Something about being able to capture a moment with an image intrigues me.

I recently acquired a Nikon D3200 and I have yet to put it down. I desire to document every instance. I have begun to see from different perspectives because it could make a pretty picture.

I'm such a nature enthusiast. Pokemon snap taught me everything I needed to know.

Through this lens, I see the world differently. It is a prettier place.

The first picture I took with this camera. Seemed festive.

My view of the world is optimistic. I try to find beauty in everything I come across, so if I can take a picture that will catch someone’s eye and allow them to see through my worldly lens, then I have done my job. If one takes a picture of a cigarette butt the right way, it could mean something to someone.

We live in a beautiful place covered by garbage. It’s our jobs to uncover the beauty in everything.

People look at this place with a negative filter.

That’s no way to live.

People are ugly and their actions are hurtful, but they have a story. Each individual has experience different things in their lives that make up who they are.

The depth of field on this thing is wonderful.

Maybe it’s a lesson in empathy, but I’m starting to see the world through different lenses. I may not always like what I see, but I can understand it. In the right lighting, anything could be beautiful.

Compose the picture that you want to see. Be the photographer of your everyday life.

I compose the right photos to exemplify the swag that I have.

Use the colors of the environment and contrast them with the different personalities you come in contact with.

It’s not a bad world once you look at it through my eyes.

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Time Is Not On My Side

Every so often a person comes by and shapes your life Forever.
You bond with that person. You share everything with that person. Secrets. Mannerisms. Music tastes. Tips on life.
You slowly become part of that person. However, one day that person will have to leave you.
This is what I’m feeling now.
I knew, three and a half years ago, that you would be gone. It didn’t really hit me until the day count turned to single digits, but the thought has been lingering in my mind for the past year.
I just tried to ignore it.
I’m so sorry for all the days I didn’t come over and all the nights I didn’t text you.

"Someone once told me that time is gold, so don't sit and watch it all disappear because these, dreams you hold can never be sold. These dreams are what brought us here."

I’m so sorry for trying to ignore you. I thought, maybe, just maybe, that it would dull the pain of you walking away for the last time.
But which time is the last time? It hurts every damn time. I see you turn back as I turn back, yet we continue on our way.
Is that how we will live?

I know I’ll be a great friend to you for the rest of our existence, but it will never be the same. We’ll never be able to stay out until 3 a.m., doing nothing. We’ll always have to be conscious of what we buy when we go out. The carefree nature will be sucked away.
But I hope some of my carefree energy has rubbed off on you somehow.
I guess that’s all I truly want in life…not necessarily to be remembered, but to make such an impact on someone’s life that they change a little bit for the better.
I want to help people experience the world and open up to all the possible opportunities. Life isn’t confined to four walls or the hours of day in which the sun is up.

 

This all happened by chance. I just have to be grateful that it did happen. I cannot imagine my life had it now.

We shouldn’t shy away from strangers who have the potential to help us in such a way. If you can see someone trustworthy just by glancing at their smile, give them a shot. Say hello to them and smile back. Opening up to someone can change their life.


It could save their life.

Who knows what someone needs. That person you held the door for may have been contemplating their final way out. That person you passed on the sidewalk and smiled at may have been thinking about how the human race is damned for all time to be a race of cold, heartless people who shut the door on anyone who they don’t already know yet or isn’t pretty enough.

If you open the door to a stranger, with some caution of course, you offer them hope and a reason to live.

I want to help you live.
Because you helped me live.
My door will Forever be open for you to return at any point. If at any time you need me, I will be there.

That previously mentioned person will leave, eventually, and you will be left with a memory.
For their sake, let that person impact your life in some way.
Let someone in to change you for the better.

This all started because we were just strangers…who gave another stranger a chance.

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The Future as a Homemade Bomb

"Sometimes I question why I am still here. Sometimes I think I am going crazy."

The cold creeps through my window while two of my best friends have a conversation about the future behind me. It gets me thinking…where am I going to be?

Second guessing myself has always been a weakness of mine, but it’s truly shown it’s ugly face recently. I star worrying about my career to the point in which I begin to shake and quiver. Usually, I shake it off and move on with my thoughts, but I don’t think that’s how I should go about this.

One of my friends has had far better internships than I and she’s uncertain about her future. If she’s not comfortable, why should I be?

To Hell with it; should  I be comfortable?

I live my life in a constant state of organized chaos. I thrive on situations that seem ridiculous and dangerous to others, but  I know that I can fix and control at any time.

I like spontaneity. Surprises keep me from going insane. However, if I don’t have something to look forward to, I begin to lose the light of excitement for the future. That’s why I always make plans. That’s why I am never alone.

Taking a step back,  I see that I have something grand ahead of me. I know the motivation is there. But will the stars align properly for this wanderer? Will I be guided to do what will be best for me?

The fact that my future isn’t carved in stone keeps me guessing and guessing keeps the rust from forming. The gears are turning because of anxiety.

It’s a double-edged sword.

Growing up, “living in the ‘now'” was engrained in my head. There is no past. There is no future. There is just…now.

So, should I worry? Should I dwell? Absolutely not.

I try to exist on a day-to-day basis, but occupational and academic issues take precedent and that notion is thrown out the window. The rear-view mirror holds the past that I spent worrying and pressured, while the road ahead contains two options: worry and have it done efficiently or breathe and hope for the best.

At this point, the latter is sounding more appealing.

I hate freaking out. I hate worrying. I Love responsibility, but only when I am certain that  I can achieve what is being asked of me.

It’s the instances in which I am asked to the unexpected that truly get to me. “I’m only human.”

So, where do I stand? I don’t know.

Future-oriented: worried about exams, anxious about my job tomorrow, thinking that I won’t get enough sleep tonight.

Dwelling on the past: I didn’t try hard enough, I let go of opportunities to make this easier.

Now: I am sitting. Letting out my feelings in the form of keystrokes. And it feels good.

I guess, what I’m getting at, is that I need to find a balance between comfort and adventure. I shouldn’t let my future be laid out for me; what’s the fun in that? However, I shouldn’t just let it all go without some sort of preparation.

We need to spend more time just existing. Mindless existing. Too many times we are pressured by outside circumstances and bullshit that we cannot control. I have months ahead before any of these crazy decisions must be made.

Why freak out now?

I’m confident. Be confident. There’s nothing wrong with that. Hone in on your skills. Be proud of what you are, but try and get better. Get better. Don’t lose what you have already had.

My apologies to whoever may be reading this. I’m completely insane. I have two exams tomorrow, one in eight hours. And you know what?

I don’t give a damn.

 

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The Beta-Alpha Male

"We're young and in love, heart attacks waiting to happen. So come a little closer, tell me it's all in our heads."

I’m sitting here, the glow of my computer lighting up my room. I know I should go to bed because I feel some sort of sickness coming on, but screw it, sleep is for the weak.

I Love the winter months. I feel that I was most self-aware during this season in past years. I can clearly remember the coldness of the Sandusky air numbing my cheeks as I played guitar to an empty audience in my grandmother’s garage. My fingers were numb. It literally hurt to play, but dammit, the show inside my head had to go on.

The weird thing is that there are people out there who know how I feel. My friend Will was programming and recording music while I was, yet we were an hour apart. (He was Beta before it was even called that. I have a serious appreciation for those who get the most out of the Internet and have that presence.) I don’t think I’ve ever met a person in my life that shared my exact feelings about music. There’s more to it than money. It’s about the memories that are made both while listening to it and while making it. The organic writing process is something to die for. The hour-long jams where you completely lose yourself on the fretboard…I miss that.

I miss the way I was. I was so sentimental before. I felt more original and less of a phony. (Insert Holden Caufield reference here.) I used to write my feelings out. The late-night phone conversations are missing in my life. I need to get to know someone new. I miss the thrill of getting to know and understand the depths of a person. There’s a few people out there I’d Love to talk to, but I’m too scared to actually initiate anything.

Yeah. Me. Scared to talk to someone.

I miss staying up all night on the phone or having the vibrations of a new text wake me up in random intervals. “No, you’re not keeping me up :)”

Right now, Taking Back Sunday, Hawthorne Heights and Escape the Fate are making me incredibly nostalgic. I remember the first time I heard them before I knew who they were. It was in the winter of the past years mentioned previously.

I remember heartbreak vividly. I remember tears freezing in my eyes. (“How does it feel when tears freeze when you cry.” Literally came on as I finished typing this.)

I wonder if there are anymore bleeding hearts out there. Was that just a phase in my life? Was my sentimentality something I need to outgrow?

God, I hope not. That lifestyle was so satisfying.

There has to be someone out there whose bedroom is being lit up by their computer screen who’s just dying to tell their story to someone new. If this person is you, talk to me. I’m a good listener.

Getting to know someone new is what I live for. If I had it my way, I would travel the country, sharing the drinking traditions of each person or group I came in contact with, all the while talking about the crazy shit we’ve been through, the stuff we’ve seen … the people who have gotten away.

If you’re looking for a friend, I’m here.

Whoever you are.

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The Threshold

I’ve driven down your road, looking for our past feelings,

I’ve thought about who we were as I stared at my ceiling.

It was a weight off my shoulders when I heard you had changed.

The process progresses when I see you’re not the same.

 

There’s no shame in believing in Always and Forever,

When the weight on your shoulders is that of a feather.

But as we grow older and our hearts mature,

Our affection gets colder from the pain we have endured.

 

The four walls of your room have heard our testimony;

All the promises we made and the Love that you showed me.

But our feelings have went dull and the testimony fades,

And your voice echos through my head, transcending from happier days.

 

It’s not irrational to believe in true Love,

It’s not ridiculous to believe in a power above,

But when reality shows its face and forces you to act,

Love and faith go dormant, while nervousness manifests.

 

The paths that we followed, the thresholds we’ve gone through,

Are still in existence, unlike the trust we had abused.

I miss the way we were, our kisses, our quirks.

The thought of you alone forces tears to emerge.

 

It’s not weak or shameful to cry for a loss of innocence.

Naivety goes up in flames and burns like incense.

But when mourning consumes your life and darkens your day,

It’s time to abandon the old roads and explore a new way.

 

The notes that you left are now encased in ash.

The memory of you is now engrained in my past.

But no matter hard I try; no matter how much I pray,

Seeing your smile will always brighten my way.

 

The point isn’t to become bitter, but appreciate the sweet.

To look for those great qualities in everyone you meet.

Don’t forget our memories and I won’t forget you.

I won’t forget the roads we traveled and the passages we’ve gone through.

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