Stephan Reed — The American Nightmare

Another amazing bgsu blog

Archive for December, 2012

Time Is Not On My Side

Dec 15

Posted by Stephan Reed in Personal | No Comments

Every so often a person comes by and shapes your life Forever.
You bond with that person. You share everything with that person. Secrets. Mannerisms. Music tastes. Tips on life.
You slowly become part of that person. However, one day that person will have to leave you.
This is what I’m feeling now.
I knew, three and a half years ago, that you would be gone. It didn’t really hit me until the day count turned to single digits, but the thought has been lingering in my mind for the past year.
I just tried to ignore it.
I’m so sorry for all the days I didn’t come over and all the nights I didn’t text you.

"Someone once told me that time is gold, so don't sit and watch it all disappear because these, dreams you hold can never be sold. These dreams are what brought us here."

I’m so sorry for trying to ignore you. I thought, maybe, just maybe, that it would dull the pain of you walking away for the last time.
But which time is the last time? It hurts every damn time. I see you turn back as I turn back, yet we continue on our way.
Is that how we will live?

I know I’ll be a great friend to you for the rest of our existence, but it will never be the same. We’ll never be able to stay out until 3 a.m., doing nothing. We’ll always have to be conscious of what we buy when we go out. The carefree nature will be sucked away.
But I hope some of my carefree energy has rubbed off on you somehow.
I guess that’s all I truly want in life…not necessarily to be remembered, but to make such an impact on someone’s life that they change a little bit for the better.
I want to help people experience the world and open up to all the possible opportunities. Life isn’t confined to four walls or the hours of day in which the sun is up.

 

This all happened by chance. I just have to be grateful that it did happen. I cannot imagine my life had it now.

We shouldn’t shy away from strangers who have the potential to help us in such a way. If you can see someone trustworthy just by glancing at their smile, give them a shot. Say hello to them and smile back. Opening up to someone can change their life.


It could save their life.

Who knows what someone needs. That person you held the door for may have been contemplating their final way out. That person you passed on the sidewalk and smiled at may have been thinking about how the human race is damned for all time to be a race of cold, heartless people who shut the door on anyone who they don’t already know yet or isn’t pretty enough.

If you open the door to a stranger, with some caution of course, you offer them hope and a reason to live.

I want to help you live.
Because you helped me live.
My door will Forever be open for you to return at any point. If at any time you need me, I will be there.

That previously mentioned person will leave, eventually, and you will be left with a memory.
For their sake, let that person impact your life in some way.
Let someone in to change you for the better.

This all started because we were just strangers…who gave another stranger a chance.

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The Future as a Homemade Bomb

Dec 10

Posted by Stephan Reed in Personal | No Comments

"Sometimes I question why I am still here. Sometimes I think I am going crazy."

The cold creeps through my window while two of my best friends have a conversation about the future behind me. It gets me thinking…where am I going to be?

Second guessing myself has always been a weakness of mine, but it’s truly shown it’s ugly face recently. I star worrying about my career to the point in which I begin to shake and quiver. Usually, I shake it off and move on with my thoughts, but I don’t think that’s how I should go about this.

One of my friends has had far better internships than I and she’s uncertain about her future. If she’s not comfortable, why should I be?

To Hell with it; should  I be comfortable?

I live my life in a constant state of organized chaos. I thrive on situations that seem ridiculous and dangerous to others, but  I know that I can fix and control at any time.

I like spontaneity. Surprises keep me from going insane. However, if I don’t have something to look forward to, I begin to lose the light of excitement for the future. That’s why I always make plans. That’s why I am never alone.

Taking a step back,  I see that I have something grand ahead of me. I know the motivation is there. But will the stars align properly for this wanderer? Will I be guided to do what will be best for me?

The fact that my future isn’t carved in stone keeps me guessing and guessing keeps the rust from forming. The gears are turning because of anxiety.

It’s a double-edged sword.

Growing up, “living in the ‘now'” was engrained in my head. There is no past. There is no future. There is just…now.

So, should I worry? Should I dwell? Absolutely not.

I try to exist on a day-to-day basis, but occupational and academic issues take precedent and that notion is thrown out the window. The rear-view mirror holds the past that I spent worrying and pressured, while the road ahead contains two options: worry and have it done efficiently or breathe and hope for the best.

At this point, the latter is sounding more appealing.

I hate freaking out. I hate worrying. I Love responsibility, but only when I am certain that  I can achieve what is being asked of me.

It’s the instances in which I am asked to the unexpected that truly get to me. “I’m only human.”

So, where do I stand? I don’t know.

Future-oriented: worried about exams, anxious about my job tomorrow, thinking that I won’t get enough sleep tonight.

Dwelling on the past: I didn’t try hard enough, I let go of opportunities to make this easier.

Now: I am sitting. Letting out my feelings in the form of keystrokes. And it feels good.

I guess, what I’m getting at, is that I need to find a balance between comfort and adventure. I shouldn’t let my future be laid out for me; what’s the fun in that? However, I shouldn’t just let it all go without some sort of preparation.

We need to spend more time just existing. Mindless existing. Too many times we are pressured by outside circumstances and bullshit that we cannot control. I have months ahead before any of these crazy decisions must be made.

Why freak out now?

I’m confident. Be confident. There’s nothing wrong with that. Hone in on your skills. Be proud of what you are, but try and get better. Get better. Don’t lose what you have already had.

My apologies to whoever may be reading this. I’m completely insane. I have two exams tomorrow, one in eight hours. And you know what?

I don’t give a damn.

 

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The Beta-Alpha Male

Dec 4

Posted by Stephan Reed in Personal | No Comments

"We're young and in love, heart attacks waiting to happen. So come a little closer, tell me it's all in our heads."

I’m sitting here, the glow of my computer lighting up my room. I know I should go to bed because I feel some sort of sickness coming on, but screw it, sleep is for the weak.

I Love the winter months. I feel that I was most self-aware during this season in past years. I can clearly remember the coldness of the Sandusky air numbing my cheeks as I played guitar to an empty audience in my grandmother’s garage. My fingers were numb. It literally hurt to play, but dammit, the show inside my head had to go on.

The weird thing is that there are people out there who know how I feel. My friend Will was programming and recording music while I was, yet we were an hour apart. (He was Beta before it was even called that. I have a serious appreciation for those who get the most out of the Internet and have that presence.) I don’t think I’ve ever met a person in my life that shared my exact feelings about music. There’s more to it than money. It’s about the memories that are made both while listening to it and while making it. The organic writing process is something to die for. The hour-long jams where you completely lose yourself on the fretboard…I miss that.

I miss the way I was. I was so sentimental before. I felt more original and less of a phony. (Insert Holden Caufield reference here.) I used to write my feelings out. The late-night phone conversations are missing in my life. I need to get to know someone new. I miss the thrill of getting to know and understand the depths of a person. There’s a few people out there I’d Love to talk to, but I’m too scared to actually initiate anything.

Yeah. Me. Scared to talk to someone.

I miss staying up all night on the phone or having the vibrations of a new text wake me up in random intervals. “No, you’re not keeping me up :)”

Right now, Taking Back Sunday, Hawthorne Heights and Escape the Fate are making me incredibly nostalgic. I remember the first time I heard them before I knew who they were. It was in the winter of the past years mentioned previously.

I remember heartbreak vividly. I remember tears freezing in my eyes. (“How does it feel when tears freeze when you cry.” Literally came on as I finished typing this.)

I wonder if there are anymore bleeding hearts out there. Was that just a phase in my life? Was my sentimentality something I need to outgrow?

God, I hope not. That lifestyle was so satisfying.

There has to be someone out there whose bedroom is being lit up by their computer screen who’s just dying to tell their story to someone new. If this person is you, talk to me. I’m a good listener.

Getting to know someone new is what I live for. If I had it my way, I would travel the country, sharing the drinking traditions of each person or group I came in contact with, all the while talking about the crazy shit we’ve been through, the stuff we’ve seen … the people who have gotten away.

If you’re looking for a friend, I’m here.

Whoever you are.

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Speak With Substance, Avoid Superficial Conversation

Dec 4

Posted by Stephan Reed in Uncategorized | No Comments

I have come to the realization that our common conversations have become incredibly superficial and lack depth and substance.

While watching the film “God Bless America,” the protagonist, Frank, goes on a tirade about this subject. “Nobody talks about anything anymore. When was the last time you had a real conversation without someone texting or looking at a screen or a monitor over your head?”

Why do we shy away from talking about our feelings, aspirations, religious convictions and/or things that aren’t entertainment or sports? I’m not saying there is anything wrong with popular culture-based talks or sport chats, but try and think critically about what you have seen and speak original thoughts. Don’t just spew what you read online or heard on TV.

Some of my closest friendships were spawned from spontaneous, personal conversations. One doesn’t have to pour their soul out to a stranger, but opening up shouldn’t strike fear into their heart.

Everyone has a history. Every individual has a unique story. Each person you come across probably possesses the memory of an experience that you would find intriguing.

There aren’t many things better than those long, all-night conversations with someone. The ones in which you can feel the friendship forming into a long-lasting bond. The ones where you think “I should probably go to sleep,” but your friend has you so encompassed and on the edge of your seat that you throw the ideas of morning exhaustion out the window and listen onward.

You’re completely engaged. Your phone doesn’t matter.

When you listen, it feels great for both parties. You retain the knowledge about this person and feel a deeper connection with them, while they feel special and unique because they have someone who will actively listen to them without texting mid conversation.

We live in a society where all of our thoughts and ideas are posted on social media, yet we can’t talk to people. Social media seems to be taking the “social” aspects out of our daily lives.

Instead of posting about how angry you are at your professor or subtweeting about your friend, try talking to them about it. Hell, they may even commend you for taking the initiative to attack the issue head on. Instead of posting a Facebook status containing lyrics that you relate to, bring the song up in conversation with the person who inspired the thoughtful connection. The song will never sound the same again.

Feelings. Dreams. Personal history. These are the things we should be talking about, not Miley Cyrus’ new haircut or what your ex said about you on Twitter.

Superficial chatter is a plague. It keeps us from talking about stuff that truly matters. These issues get overshadowed by “pop-politics.” There’s always the typical conversations about abortion, the death penalty and gun control, but why don’t we talk about the conflict between the University’s Faculty Association and the Administration or the on campus smoking ban that is being discussed?

It is doubtful that we can control the hot topic issues of the nation, but we can have a say in the problems that are in our own backyard.

I strongly urge everyone out there to strike up a real conversation with that one person who catches your eye in the Union or the girl who sits by you in class with the sweet Attack Attack! bookbag or the professor who makes you feel like a human being and not just another kid in class.

It’s the last week of classes. Take a chance.

What’s the worst that can happen? They could look at you weird and you will never have to see them again.

What’s the best that can happen?

You could have a new friend for life.

 

 

 

 

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