Original Introduction:

“Each year, approximately 5,000 people under the age of 21 die as a result of underage drinking; this includes 1,900 deaths from motor vehicle crashes, 1,600 as a result of homicides, 300 from suicide, as well as hundreds from other injuries such as falls, burns, and drownings” (“Underage Drinking” 1).  Despite these staggering statistics and the fact that it is illegal in the United States for individuals under the age of twenty-one to consume this deadly drug, alcohol consumption has practically become a rite of passage for the teenage population.  Currently, alcohol is widely available and aggressively promoted throughout our society.  Alcohol use continues to be regarded, by the majority of our nation, as a normal part of growing up.  However, underage drinking is undoubtedly a dangerous act, not only for the drinker but also for the society as a whole, as evident by the number of alcohol-involved motor vehicle accidents, homicides, suicides, and other injuries.  Alcohol abuse among teenagers is more than an individual or generational problem; it is a societal one that needs a resolution, such as lowering the drinking age, implementing alcohol prevention programs into our education system, and raising the price of all alcoholic beverages.

Revised Introduction:

“Gregory M. Hoctor, age 18, a 15 year resident of Wheaton, IL, died Monday, October 5, 2009 at Central DuPage Hospital, Winfield, IL from injuries sustained in an automobile accident.  At the time of the accident, Gregory M. Hoctor was driving under the influence” (Naperville Sun).  Little did I know that only a mere three months after I left for college, I would be informed of a death of one of my high school classmates, Greg Hoctor, a peer who sat only a few rows away from me on the day of graduation.  To make matters even worse, Greg’s death was tragic, exceptionally saddening, and worst of all, self-inflicted.  Displayed by Greg’s behavior and the behavior of thousands of other individuals under the age of twenty-one, alcohol consumption has practically become a rite of passage for our nation’s youth.  Currently, alcohol is widely available and aggressively promoted throughout our society.  Alcohol use continues to be regarded, by the majority of our nation, as a normal part of growing up.  However, underage drinking is undoubtedly a dangerous act, not only for the drinker but also for the society as a whole, as evident by the number of alcohol-involved motor vehicle accidents, homicides, suicides, and other injuries.  Alcohol abuse among teenagers is more than an individual or generational problem; it is a societal one that needs a resolution, such as lowering the drinking age, implementing alcohol prevention programs into our education system, and raising the price of all alcoholic beverages.

Original Conclusion:

In conclusion, understanding the past and current alcohol trends in teenage alcohol consumption is an essential step towards preventing it within our nation today.  When adolescents abuse alcohol, there is a greater likelihood that they will experience problems in school, engage in criminal activity, and partake in dangerous sexual behavior.  Due to these severe consequences, it is vital that as a society, we recognize just how prevalent this problem truly is. As suggested earlier, alcohol is widely available and aggressively promoted throughout our nation.  Alcohol use continues to be regarded by many people, as a normal part of growing up.  However, underage drinking does not only put the drinker at risk, but it puts our entire society at risk as well.  Despite the fact that it is virtually impossible to put underage alcohol consumption completely to rest, there are definite potential solutions that can help prevent teens from engaging in such a precarious life-threatening act.

Revised Conclusion:

The last thing that any individual who has just left for college, eager to begin the next chapter of his or her’s life, wants to hear is that one of their fellow high school classmates made an exceptionally horrific decision; the decision to not only illegally consume alcohol, but then to drive under the influence.  For this reason and many more, it is crucial that as a nation, we strive to understand the past and current alcohol trends in teenage alcohol consumption. When adolescents abuse alcohol, there is a greater likelihood that they will experience problems in school, engage in criminal activity, and partake in dangerous sexual behavior.  Due to these severe consequences, it is vital that as a society, we recognize just how prevalent this problem truly is. As suggested earlier, alcohol is widely available and aggressively promoted throughout our nation.  Alcohol use continues to be regarded by many people, as a normal part of growing up.  However, underage drinking does not only put the drinker at risk, but it puts our entire society at risk as well.  Despite the fact that it is virtually impossible to put underage alcohol consumption completely to rest, there are definite potential solutions that can help prevent teens from engaging in such a precarious life-threatening act.

**I decided to try using a personal incident to catch the interest of my reader.  I feel that this may engage my audience and make them want to read more of what my paper has to offer.  However, I think that I like my original ides the best

Punctuation Critique

Although I do not feel that either of the two paragraphs make sense, I decided to solely focus on critiquing the second one.  This particular paragraph does not make sense for a variety of reasons.  However, the biggest problem with this paragraph is that the punctuation marks are not put in the right place, thus confusing the reader.  This entire section of writing does not contain one single comma.  The writer incorporated periods into numerous spots where commas would make a lot more sense.  Also, the way in which particular sentences were structured made the writing very unclear for the reader.  Below is the same paragraph, but with a few minor changes in the punctuation marks and sentence structure.  Although I am still unclear about what was trying to be communicated within this paragraph, I do feel that my revisions truly make the writing read a bit more smoothly and logically.

One dollar and eighty-seven cents, that was all, and sixty cents of it was in pennies.  Pennies were saved one and two at a time by bulldozing the grocer, the vegetable man, and the butcher until one’s cheeks burned with the silent imputation of parsimony.  Della counted it three times; each time getting one dollar and eighty-seven cents.  The next day would be Christmas.

There was clearly nothing to do but flop down on the shabby, little couch and howl.  So, Della did exactly that.  As a result, the moral reflection that life is made up of sobs, a whole lot of sniffles, and smiles was instigated.

Original Paragraph:

Although the addition of a sink to every dorm room located in Bowling Green, Ohio would result in numerous benefits and positive outcomes for all students, there are a few drawbacks to this installment.  Obviously, like all other installments, equipping thousands of rooms with an all-purpose sink would cost an extremely large amount of money and would result in a lot of hectic and strenuous labor and construction.  Also, with a sink in the room, there is potential for disaster.  For instance, students could make the mistake of leaving the water running or allowing the sink to become extremely filthy.  However, these are just simple setbacks that could easily be changed or avoided.  For example, the construction could take place in the summer when the vast majority of students are not on campus.  Also, there is no question that the benefits obtained from this addition of all-purpose sinks would outweigh the negative aspects of the installment.  Thus, despite these minor detriments, the addition of a sink to all dorm rooms found in Bowling Green, Ohio is an indubitably fantastic idea.

New Paragraph (Addition of a few punctuation marks):

Without a doubt, the addition of a sink to every dorm room located in Bowling Green, Ohio would result in numerous benefits and positive outcomes for all students.  However, there are three major drawbacks to this installment:  high cost, strenuous labor and construction, and potential for disasters.  It is quite apparent that equipping thousands of room with an all-purpose sink would cost an extremely large amount of money for the university, thus creating a possible increase in the yearly tuition.  Also, the addition of a sink to every single dorm room could potentially create a lot of hectic construction, and could result in a few possible disasters, such as the flooding of a room if a student were to forget to turn the faucet off.  However, these are just simple setbacks that could easily be changed or avoided.  For example, the construction could take place in the summer when the vast majority of students are not campus.  Also, the university, as a whole, could organize some sort of event in order to raise money for the project.  All in all, there is no question that the benefits obtained from this addition of all-purpose sinks would outweigh the negative aspects of the installment.  Thus, despite these minor detriments, the addition of a sink to all dorm rooms found in Bowling Green, Ohio is an indubitably fantastic idea.

***Although, I did not make any major changes to my original paragraph, I did incorporate a few additional punctuation marks, such as commas and colons.  I do not necessarily feel that the changes I made benefitted my paper as a whole, but they did add a bit of change from my original draft.

Original:

Growing up with my grandmother by my side has influenced my life in more ways than I could ever put into words.  So many of the qualities that I possess and the values that I pride myself on are a direct result from the life that my grandmother chose to live. There will never be a Christmas Eve that I will not spend honoring my grandma Noffsinger.  Nor will I ever listen to “Silent Night” or the Serenity Prayer in the same way that I did preceding December 24^th, 2006.  As a more mature and accomplished young woman, I will never again go a day without acknowledging my angelic grandmother whose generosity and high morals will forever impact my outlook on life.

Revised:

Rough Draft of Introduction:

“Silent night, holy night, All is calm, All is bright, Round yon Virgin Mother and Child, Holy infant so tender and mild, Sleep in heavenly peace.” These were the precise serene words that I quietly sang at the midnight church service as my grandmother passed away on Christmas Eve of my freshman year of high school. Despite the several deplorable days that I spent preparing myself for the loss of my grandmother, I was nowhere near ready to face the agony and affliction that I felt the moment I was told that she was actually gone. Losing my grandmother was an extremely difficult, yet momentous time in my life because I instantly knew that I was losing more than just a grandma; I was losing a mentor, a role model, and most of all, a forever friend.

***Last sentence is my idea for my thesis!

After intently reading through the three essays found in this particular section, I felt that there was one specific essay that caught my interest more than the other two.  For a variety of reasons, I truly enjoyed reading Russel Baker’s essay titled “On Becoming A Writer.”  I found this piece of work to be especially inspiring and uplifting.  Russel’s unceasing desire to become a writer and establish his identity despite his constant boredom and hatred associated with his English courses was truly refreshing.  Also, I was captivated by Russel’s courage to not only choose one of the most eccentric writing topics, which involved spaghetti, but then to write about in such a bold manner that he was violating all of the rules of formal composition that he had previously learned in school.   However, as the essay emphasized, sometimes venturing off the beaten path leads one to the most rewarding outcomes.  Russel’s desire to become a writer was not only restored, but his respect and admiration for Mr. Fleagle was finally acknowledged.

Personally, I feel that there are a large variety of components that make this piece work from a “writerly” point of view.  First of all, the author, Russel Baker, has clearly established an audience, a purpose, a voice, and a well-spoken tone.  I feel that Russel intended for the audience of this piece of writing to be  high school kids who were lacking the reassurance that anything is possible.  He wanted his writing to remind everyone to never lose sight of their dreams, and that one should never be afraid to be courageous in all aspects of his or her’s life.  Throughout the entire essay, I felt that Russel established a clear voice and communicated an apparent tone with his style of writing.  He wrote precisely and carefully crafted all of his sentences, yet he did not fail to deliver his message.  Overall, I strongly believe that Russel Baker composed a well-written and engaging piece of work.

Essay #1: Death of My Grandma Noffsinger

Organizational Approach: For this particular essay, I am planning on using the second approach. I am going to start my essay with a flashback to December 24^th, 2007, the day that my grandma passed away. Then I will return to the present and reflect on the significance of her death and how it has shaped me into the individual that I am today.

Rough Outline:

· Begin on December 24, 2007

o I am sitting in church with my family singing along to Silent Night.

o Shortly after arriving home, we receive the dreaded phone call informing us of my grandma’s death.

· Provide background on my Grandma Noffisinger and the woman that she was.

o Strong, Independent, Inspirational, Knowledgable, Unselfish, Warmhearted

· Describe my favorite memories that I share with my Grandma Noffisinger.

· Describe the importance of my grandma’s death in relation to the young woman that I am today.

o Her favorite prayer was the Serenity Prayer. To this day, I read the prayer every single morning and every single night to remind me to stay strong and accept the things that I cannot change.

o Every Christmas Eve as we sit in Church singing to Silent Night, I reminisce my grandma and the amazing woman that she was.

Ideas for Introduction: Lyrics of Silent Night

· “Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
Holy Infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace”

After thoroughly reading the first chapter of The Brief McGraw- Hill Guide, I felt that I had developed a better understanding of the goals of this writing course and the type of writing that takes place in the four major areas of my personal life.  One key lesson that I took from this specific chapter was that no matter when or what I am writing, I am writing to fulfill some sort of goal.  For instance, as a student, I write an abundance of papers and answers to exam questions.  As a babysitter, I write short,quick, and sweet notes to the parents describing how their children behaved.  As a citizen of the United States, I am sure that in the future I will write a great deal of letters to voice my opinion in how I prefer my community to be run.  Lastly, as a friend, daughter, and sister, I also write numerous letters, thank-you notes, emails, and text messages on a daily basis.

Another essential lesson that I gained  from the assigned reading was that in order to write to the best of my ability, it is crucial that I become self-reflective, responsible, and knowledgeable of the basic “table manners” of writing.  As a writer, you always need to assess the strengths and weaknesses of every piece of writing that you compose.  You should carefully consider how well your writing reflects your personal rhetorical knowledge, critical thinking, writing processes, and your personal knowledge of conventions.  Also, you need to be certain that you are never careless with anything that you compose.  Your writing should establish a portrayal of your character and communicate the beliefs and values that you possess as an individual.  Lastly, as a writer, it it is vital that you have an understanding of the conventions of writing.  Effective writers know which writing conventions they should use in specific settings.  By possessing the knowledge of the “table manners” of writing, you will not only be a more successful writer, but also a much more helpful and beneficial peer editor.

As a student of the GSW 1110 writing course, I truly hope to further my knowledge of writing and constructing essays.  I also hope to tremendously improve my writing capabilities and begin to write on a more sophisticated level.    I am very excited to get the chance to expand my knowledge as a writer so that I can improve in all areas of my life that are affected by writing and reading.  I look forward to a great semester!